Things To Do Before the Apocalypse

In honor of the Apocalypse that was supposed to have occurred yesterday, I decided to make a list of things you should do should the end of the world be at hand.

Show up Panda Express.  Serve sweet and sour panda.

Say yes to drugs, or at least to that sketchy looking guy on the street corner.

Stage live action Pokemon battles at your local zoo.  Give the animals stupid names like Rhinocerite.

Go to a karaoke bar.  It's not like your dignity was going to survive the Apocalypse anyway.

Make a hobo sign predicting the end of the world.  Scream "I told you" at everyone you see.

Roll around in some radioactive waste.  You might get superpowers to help you survive the destruction of the world...or cancer.  Probably cancer.

Scream at random cats.  You could now, it's just not socially acceptable. 

Pros and Cons: Pets

In General
Pro: Most animals are too stupid to recognize how horrible we are
Con: Small chance that it is really a Greek god trying to have sex with you

Dogs
Pro: Mystery-solving potential
Con: Pugs

Cats
Pro: Make brutal murder of small animals adorable
Con: Can give you the Black Plague

Fish
Pro: Show off carnival game prowess
Con: Fish-fighting rings not very lucrative

Snakes
Pro: Can now talk about choking your snake without sounding like a pervert
Con: Can't talk about choking your snake because that is animal abuse

Horses
Pro: Always a narwhal, a hacksaw, and some superglue away from unicorn
Con: Constant, looming threat of rape

Teacup Pigs
Pro: Light weight makes them convenient for jokes about pigs flying
Con: Produce very little bacon, as you will drunkenly discover

Pros and Cons: Being a History Major

In College

Pro: Relatively few other history majors, so you're interesting by default

Con: Several reasons for why there are relatively few history majors

Pro: Homework is almost entirely reading and papers; There will always be a source backing up your viewpoint

Con: Homework, while largely optional, makes you want to shoot yourself; That source will either be in a 100-year-old translation or ancient Greek

Pro: You get to feel superior to economic/business majors because they only understand value, not worth

Con: They get to feel superior to history majors when they get a job because history degrees are worthless

Pro: No matter how awesome your friends are, Roman history textbooks will always have better party stories than them

Con: No matter how depraved/dickish your friends are, Roman history textbooks will always have far worse stories than them

The Hamlet Song

I wrote this song after reading Hamlet in my English class and realized that Hamlet is a huge dick.  As it turns out, this is not acceptable to perform at a school event that is being filmed.

They say Hamlet was a tragic hero,

One flaw cause his downfall.

Considering the stuff he did,

That numbers kind of small.

It’s not so very sad

That in the end he had to die.

He really had it coming,

And now I’m going to tell you why.

Hamlet told the actors

How they should play their parts,

Then he claimed a lack of talent

In the dramatic arts.

He’s sincere is what he says

To Horatio, you see

He does not want to flatter

Those who live in poverty

Why must he be such a giant prick?

Just reading about him makes me feel sick.

Puts a bad taste in your mouth you cannot rinse

There’s something rotten in the state of Denmark; It’s the prince.

What I've Learned From Nursery Rhymes

There was an Old Lady
If you have a small problem, like swallowing a  fly, you should use increasing temporary and expensive solutions until you die and it becomes somebody else’s problem.
Baa, Baa, Black Sheep

You should give gifts that you naturally produce.  The best gifts come from the heart, or whatever organ or gland secretes what you plan on giving.

Ring Around the Rosie

The horrible plagues from a few centuries ago are great to write children’s songs about.  I can’t wait to see what they come up with for AIDS. 

Three Blind Mice

If handicapped people follow you, maim them further.  That should teach them. 

Jack and Jill

If you fracture your skull, just walk it off.  You’ll be fine. 

How I Feel About Profanity

            Obscenities have become more prevalent in today’s society.  You can see them anywhere from comment threads about “My Little Pony” videos to the work of very bored Disney animators.  Twelve-year-olds scream them on Xbox Live.  There’s a reason that these words have become so common: profanities are awesome!  They can really help you express yourself in a meaningful way.  However, curse words are spreading like an STD at an orgy and there is no end in sight.  In a world where more and more of these words appear every day, we need to find a way to pick which ones are the best.  Well, you’ve found that way.  The f-word is the best obscenity without a doubt.  This is because of its definition, it is the perfect intensity, and it is the most versatile. 

The Comprehensive Guide to Canadian History

May 23, 1608

A few of Canada’s French friends ask if they can stay with Canada for a few days until they find a place to live.  Canada agrees and the province of Quebec is born. 

March 18, 1770

Frustrated by Britain’s unjust tax system, Canada sends King George III a list entitled “Things We’d Love For You To Stop Doing, But Only If It Doesn’t Inconvenience You.”  The King promptly replied, “What’s a Canada?”

December 1775

The United States invades Canada.* However, many soldiers return home with the mistaken belief that it had already been conquered.

June 18, 179

Inspired by the French and American Revolutions, several influential Canadians sever diplomatic ties with Britain with the Declaration of It’s Not You, It's Me. 

October 12, 1797

Canada’s only duel to date takes place.  Winner John Fredrickson reportedly manages to apologize in under a tenth of a second. 

February 6, 1859

The Canadian Civil War finally ends after years of hostilities when both sides figure out how to surrender at the same time by signing the Treaty of Everybody Wins. 

Nerdy Pickup Lines

You must be a red mushroom, because you’re making me grow.

Let’s reenact the invasion of Poland.  I’ll be Germany and penetrate your borders…and then I’ll attack from behind as the Soviet Union. 

Want to play Spider-man?  I’ll shoot white, sticky stuff at you. 

Let’s make music together and hope there aren’t any accidentals. 

I’ll rock your world 8-3.

I’m a water mage.  Can I make you wet?

Let’s play Mario.  You can be Yoshi and I’ll ride you. 

Are you the Death Star, because I want to shoot proton torpedoes into your exhaust vent. 

You’re like frozen carbonite; you leave me speechless…and really stiff.

I must be the Hero of Time, because I’m wielding a Master Sword. 

Government Regulation

            The Industrial Revolution was one of the greatest periods of history.  The American Dream was alive and well; all it took to make your fortune was hard work, perseverance, and expendable child workers.  There were only two social classes: those with top hats, and those without.  What’s more, people were just tougher.  It was only considered a bad cough if blood started coming up.  Forty hours a week was considered a part-time job.  When a child lost a limb to machinery, it was considered character building.  What, you might ask, brought this glorious age of capitalism crashing down? Well, I can certainly tell you.  It was government interference.  To return to this golden era, we must abolish federal agencies such as the FDA, the EPA, and the FEC. 

Why we should really save the trees

            During those stupid ice-breaker games that adults seem to think will solve all of the world’s social problems, questions about a favorite something invariably come up.  It can be animal, color, food, or in some rare cases, sexual position.  They never, however, ask about favorite plants because nobody has one.  Well, now you can.  Today, I’m going to tell you how awesome trees are and how much better they make our lives. 

            Trees provide great warning signs.  Let’s face it, forests are scary.  A good three-fourths of all scary land animals live in forests.  They can be anything from annoyances like mosquitoes, ticks, and hippie communes, to legitimately dangerous, like bears, spiders, and feral hobos.  It's even worse if the forest is enchanted.  Those ones are full of trolls and goblins and children who shove kindly old women into ovens.  To fully grasp how useful this warning is, think about other types of terrain.  Have you ever heard of a dark, forbidding plain?  There may be scary animals there, but at least you can see them coming, though it is beyond me why you would want to watch animals having sex.  As a general rule, if there are a bunch of trees, say the hell away.  In addition to warning us of danger, trees are one of our greatest natural resources. 

For those who think that it's never too early for sex ed

This is a song for children about the perils of unprotected sex.  It's like a really disturbing If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.

If you sleep with a cheap whore, you’ll get the clap. 

If you sleep with a cheap whore, you’ll get the clap. 

If you sleep with a cheap whore, you should have spent some more.

If you sleep with a cheap whore, you’ll get the clap. 

If you don’t use protection, you’ll be a dad.

If you don’t use protection, you’ll be a dad.

If you don’t use protection, you are thinking with your erection. 

If you don’t use protection, you’ll be a dad.

If you don’t pay child support, you’ll go to jail.

If you don’t pay child support, you’ll go to jail.

If you don’t pay child support, you’ll end up back in court.

If you don’t pay child support, you’ll go to jail.

If you get sent to jail, you’ll be someone’s bitch. 

If you get sent to jail, you’ll be someone’s bitch. 

If you get sent to jail, no one’s going to pay your bail.

If you get sent to jail, you’ll be someone’s bitch.


Don't end up as someone's prison bitch.  Use a condom.  

Transatlantic Railroad

            The Transcontinental Railroad changed the country.  Trade between states grew like it had been given Viagra.  People on the East Coast could get beef more readily, making it easier to identify and belittle vegans.  Most importantly, it distracted from the fact that Grant's presidency was a little to close to a sitcom for comfort.  With all these improvements, it seems that we need another railroad like this: a Transatlantic Railroad.

            One reason we should build this railroad is that trains are awesome.  They are way cooler than airplanes.  Have you ever been on a murder mystery airplane?  That would suck.  There isn’t enough room for two people to walk down the aisle, much less murder someone.  Another advantage that trains have is accessible roofs.  Let’s face it, fighting on top of trains is something everyone wants to do.  While fighting on top of a plane would be beyond amazing, it is next to impossible to actually pull off.  Lastly, trains often go through tunnels.  I think you know where I’m going with this.  Do planes go through tunnels?  Only on Star Fox.  This train would be both awesome and safe.  

Pandas

            Pandas have become the accepted symbol for the preservation of wildlife.  You see them everywhere: t-shirts, book bags, totes, bumper stickers, and occasionally a bits and pieces on the black market.  They’re probably the most popular animal on the planet (It would be us, but Jeff is just insufferable).  Everybody thinks that they’re so great, but I’m here to tell you that they’re not.  We are sending the wrong message about pandas.  They should be disposed of, not kept alive.  This is because they threaten the international balance of power, they are terrible animals, and it would happen naturally.  

Reasons why I am scared of Russia (Updated 9/6)

Because this is the easiest article to write, I will be adding more reasons from time to time.  I'll put the date I updated it so you don't waste time rereading crappy jokes about Russia.  

Russians are composed entirely of steel and vodka.

There is no bottled water in Russia; no known substance can contain Russian water without being dissolved. 

Russians are so tough because the Russian terrain is actively trying to kill them. 

It is the only country with a superhero team.  When danger threatens, they call whoever isn’t doing anything at the moment. 

Russians love pranks.  IEDs are a national favorite. 

The TSA

            One of the biggest issues in politics today is the national deficit.  Everybody wants to reduce the deficit and many of the Republican candidates to do so by making more cuts than an emo kid.  I can’t really tell you what programs they wanted to cut because research is for pansies, but I’m pretty sure the Transportation Safety Administration wasn’t one of them.  Well, I think it should be.  When we are not allowed to take a snow globe on a plane, it’s time to get rid of the TSA...and wonder why the hell you would want to bring a snow globe on a plane.  We should get rid of it because it is unpleasant for everyone involved, its funding could be put to better use, and it will improve plane rides. 

Pros and Cons: Different paths to immortality

People have always tried to escape death, so I made a handy pro/con list to help you decide which method is right for you. 

Cryogenic Freezing

Pro: Most likely to succeed; Like a really long nap; Can make Futurama joke when you come out; Possibility of sharing space with Walt Disney's head

Con: Power outages; Freezer burn; Possibility of having to share space with some frozen peas

Eating Unicorn Feces

Pro: Will always be happy; Can finally make unicorn-skin jacket; May be killing the cast of My Little Pony

Con: Involves finding unicorn; Dysentery; Glitter will play hell on digestive system; Tastes like…well, you get the idea

Eating Lots Of Fruit Cups

Pro: Preservatives will provide eternal youth; Tastes slightly better than unicorn feces

Con: All tastes the same; Bodily fluids will be replaced with corn syrup

Ways you can tell you're in a 1st-world country

Food fights do not involve knives. 

You’re hit by hurricanes, not typhoons.

Describing your country’s government as a democracy involves no irony.

Dogs are considered fashion accessories, not possible meals.

The most prevalent crop is neither smoked nor injected.

You raise vegetables as a hobby. 

How I feel about global warming

            Two things are usually true of white people.  The first is that we really like killing things, whether we’re slaughtering natives, dumb-looking animals, natives, rainforests, other natives, occasionally each other, or 99.9% of all germs.  This explains our psychotic fascination with tricking fish into eating metal hooks.  The second is that once we realized that people who aren’t white are, in fact, people and that smallpox is not an appropriate welcome gift, we developed massive amounts of guilt.  We’ve really tried to make up for it; we have affirmative action, PETA, and several environmental protection programs.  Now, some people say these efforts are misguided, and in at least one case, those people are totally correct.  White people everywhere, excluding the South, are all very concerned about global warming because we killed lots of trees.  Well, we shouldn’t be trying to prevent global warming; we should be helping it along.  This is because we don’t really need coastal areas, the polar ice caps are just plain dangerous, and fossil fuels are awesome.