Why we should really save the trees

            During those stupid ice-breaker games that adults seem to think will solve all of the world’s social problems, questions about a favorite something invariably come up.  It can be animal, color, food, or in some rare cases, sexual position.  They never, however, ask about favorite plants because nobody has one.  Well, now you can.  Today, I’m going to tell you how awesome trees are and how much better they make our lives. 

            Trees provide great warning signs.  Let’s face it, forests are scary.  A good three-fourths of all scary land animals live in forests.  They can be anything from annoyances like mosquitoes, ticks, and hippie communes, to legitimately dangerous, like bears, spiders, and feral hobos.  It's even worse if the forest is enchanted.  Those ones are full of trolls and goblins and children who shove kindly old women into ovens.  To fully grasp how useful this warning is, think about other types of terrain.  Have you ever heard of a dark, forbidding plain?  There may be scary animals there, but at least you can see them coming, though it is beyond me why you would want to watch animals having sex.  As a general rule, if there are a bunch of trees, say the hell away.  In addition to warning us of danger, trees are one of our greatest natural resources. 

            Trees provide us with all sorts of great stuff; lumber, medicine, food.  Most importantly, they give us sex jokes.  It doesn’t require any thought or creativity to make sex jokes about trees; the jokes are already there.  For example, my friend’s forestry textbook stated that hardwood is found in bottomlands.  I’ll let that sink in for a moment.  Forestry is just full of these jokes.  If you had one of these textbooks, you could be funnier than Jeff Dunham…well, you could say the same of a Laffy Taffy wrapper, but you get the point.  There is a reason that making sex jokes about trees is so easy; the trees themselves are easy.  

            Simply put, trees are whores.  They have sex with all the other trees at the same time.  It’s like a tree orgy…so much wood.  There are no standards among trees.  They just reproduce with whatever tree happens to be conveniently close.  Furthermore, they don’t use protection.  Flowers at least have the decency to use bees.  Trees just barebark it.  It’s wonder that trees have awful STD’s like cankers and buttrot?  During the winter, they’re not exactly modest.  It’s like free tree porn.  The worst thing is how messy they are, as anybody with pollen allergies can tell you.  I for one do not enjoy the fact that inhaling pollen is the closest you can physically get to giving a plant a BJ.  

            Trees are amazing.  They let us know where all the scary animals and probable junkies are lurking.  Forestry books are as borderline joke books.  Trees have crazy sex lives and force the rest of us to sneeze because of the by-products.  Next time somebody asks you what your favorite plant is, be sure to say a tree.  You know what, just tell them whether they ask or not, because trees are just that cool.