Reasons why I am scared of Russia (Updated 9/6)

Because this is the easiest article to write, I will be adding more reasons from time to time.  I'll put the date I updated it so you don't waste time rereading crappy jokes about Russia.  

Russians are composed entirely of steel and vodka.

There is no bottled water in Russia; no known substance can contain Russian water without being dissolved. 

Russians are so tough because the Russian terrain is actively trying to kill them. 

It is the only country with a superhero team.  When danger threatens, they call whoever isn’t doing anything at the moment. 

Russians love pranks.  IEDs are a national favorite. 

Mortal Kombat fatalities are actually just stolen from Russian barfights.   

The Russians held out so long at Stalingrad because they really, really didn’t want to share their vodka. 

The Russian missile defense system consists of a large Russian man and a pile or rocks.

There was a zombie outbreak in Russia last year.  When someone finally noticed after three weeks, Putin went out and decapitated all the zombies with his bare hands.

The Russian space program consists of two scientists taking turns throwing each other at the moon.  They will likely reach it within two years. 

All Russians traveling abroad are required to wear warning labels. 

The average bowl of Russian breakfast cereal contains more metal than the spoon used to eat it. 

Every door in Russia opens without being pushed.  They aren’t automatic, they’re just terrified. 

The TSA will not allow Russians on passenger planes.

Rabid tigers and porcupines are common attractions at Russian petting zoos.

Being a Russian violates the Geneva Convention.

Needle sharing is a huge problem in Russia.  This is probably because the diamond-tipped needles needed to break a Russian’s skin are a little pricey. 

The Silence of the Lambs is considered to be one of the greatest children’s movies of all time in Russia. 

The Scorched Earth tactics used to defeat Napoleon were actually the result of an epic party. 

For arts and crafts, Russian children make pipe bombs. 

Russians are only considered alcoholic if they can actually breathe vodka.

Russia is the world’s largest source of mad scientists and dark wizards. 

Russian organs are impossible to transplant; they will kill the recipient for amusement. 

Russians are the whale’s only natural predator.

Never open a Russian first-aid kit, as they are rigged to explode.  That is how they cull the weak Russians who require first-aid kits. 

The Russian Ministry of Health consists of one guy who tells you to stop being a goddamn pansy and walk it off. 

When Optimus Prime transforms from truck form, he changes to a giant robot.  When he transforms from giant robot form, he becomes Vladimir Putin. 

When Russian soldiers are having emotional problems, they are sent to the psychiatrist’s office.  There they club baby seals until they don’t have emotions anymore. 

The EPA has strictly limited Russian immigration because they are considered an invasive species. 

Blood transfusions from a Russian are an effective alternative to chemotherapy. 

When I updated this part, I noticed a few Russians have read my blog.

Russians killed the dinosaurs.

In Skyrim, the dragons are just speaking Russian.

Russian wake-up calls generally involve carpet bombing.

Russians invented Molotov cocktails because normal drinking just wasn't cutting it anymore.

Upon turning 16, Russians are issued a license to kill.