Two things are usually true of white people. The first is that we really like killing things, whether we’re slaughtering natives, dumb-looking animals, natives, rainforests, other natives, occasionally each other, or 99.9% of all germs. This explains our psychotic fascination with tricking fish into eating metal hooks. The second is that once we realized that people who aren’t white are, in fact, people and that smallpox is not an appropriate welcome gift, we developed massive amounts of guilt. We’ve really tried to make up for it; we have affirmative action, PETA, and several environmental protection programs. Now, some people say these efforts are misguided, and in at least one case, those people are totally correct. White people everywhere, excluding the South, are all very concerned about global warming because we killed lots of trees. Well, we shouldn’t be trying to prevent global warming; we should be helping it along. This is because we don’t really need coastal areas, the polar ice caps are just plain dangerous, and fossil fuels are awesome.
Global warming would raise water levels, but you have to ask yourself, is that such a bad thing? Sure, we would lose a couple of islands in the Pacific, but those are volcanic island, which are kind of like herpes: you think they’re gone, but they’ll come back eventually. Furthermore, as anyone who has looked at a map can attest, there are far too many of them and many of those that exist are heavily irradiated thanks to white people. The only other areas that would be lost are the coastal areas and the beachfront nation of Chile, which nobody cares about. Most of Australia’s population may live on the coast, but they’re the same thing as New Zealand, and we’ve already got one of those. I’m sure Europe will launch themselves into space or something. They can take care of themselves. Now, you might be wondering about poorer Africa or Asia. Just kidding! Most of us are already ignoring some pretty terrible stuff going on there, so why start feeling guilty now?
Anyway, the whole disappearing coast thing could actually work out pretty well for the U.S. On the West Coast, we’ve got L.A. Let’s be honest, we’ve all been secretly hoping an earthquake would do them in for a few decades. There’s also San Francisco, which as you might not know, is known to be one of the most open-minded and accepting places in the country. Make no mistake, I have nothing against San Francisco and am sure it is a great place. The thing is, those Christian Fundamentalist hate-mongers haven’t had a really good rant since the earthquake in Haiti. Can you imagine what Pat Robertson would say if he found out San Francisco flooded? It would be hilarious to hear his bigoted comments and would be a gold mine for John Stewart. On the other side of the country, we’ve got the East Coast, which is America’s center for culture. The problem is that we would lose New York, Broadway, Ivy League colleges, countless museums, and pretty much everything else white people like. However, New Jersey would be destroyed as well. Losing that cultural black hole would more than make up for the loss. While getting rid of the coasts wouldn’t be that big of an issue, destroying the polar ice caps would help everyone.
One of the most iconic images of the environmentalist movement is the lone polar bear sitting on an ice flow. There’s usually a disembodied voice asking for $20 a month to stave of the icy hand of Death and offering a free tote bag. Normally, I’m all for listening to disembodied voices, but this is different. I think we should use that $20 to melt the ice as fast as we can. Polar bears are unholy death machines that probably hunt whales for kicks. They are the Bruce Lees of the animal world. Polar bears have not problem coldheartedly butchering even the cutest of baby seals. I can’t think of any other animals that would be so callous and cruel as to crush a baby seal’s skull. Are those WWF people serious telling me that we should keep those monsters around? Melting the ice is the best way to kill them as I can only assume they are bulletproof. We should take a lesson from Jurassic Park: massive, deadly animals are only cool because they can’t kill us anymore.
Also, there are all sorts of terrifying things buried in the ice. We’ve all seen the movies. There’s alien viruses, alien…well, aliens, evil robots, zombies, and Chris Evans. Let’s drown all that stuff before some scientist decides to dig it up and study it, leading to the Apocalypse or, best case scenario, a god-awful movie. There are even a few super-villain lairs up there, including the home of the worst super-villain of all: Superman. You might thing that he’s a superhero, but he does some pretty sketchy stuff on the covers of comics. Most of it might have a reasonable explanation, but what about the one where he is swearing loyalty to Satan? How can that not be exactly what it looks like? Let’s send his Fortress of Solitude crashing into the water. Melting the ice caps really won’t be all that much of a sacrifice because fossil fuels are better than any alternative.
Fossil fuels like petroleum are widely and unjustly criticized. Really, is alternative energy any better? We could use bio-deisel, but smelling like a French fry will result in homeless people following you home. Electric cars are starting to become popular, but guess where that electricity comes from? Fossil fuels and nuclear power plants. Mutants caused by radiation are cool and all, but do you know what isn’t? Being a mutant because of radiation. Speaking of electricity, wind farms and solar panels are also gaining popularity, but they just aren’t as good as gas. Can you get high huffing the wind? Not anymore, now that Woodstock is over. Can you commit arson/insurance fraud using sunlight? Maybe with a giant magnifying glass, but seeing as I am not a cross-dressing rabbit who enjoys seducing bald men with speech impediments, I have no idea where to get something like that. The last option is hydropower, but that just isn’t very nice to the fish. I think delighting in getting fish to unwittingly swallow sharp pieces of metal is bad enough.
Oil can also stand on its own merits. It gives us something to complain about. If not for oil, we would have to complain about the price of milk or eggs or some other item that comes out of an animal orifice. As we all know, gasoline smells really bad. It’s bad enough that you know you can get high off it before your health textbook gives you detailed instructions on the process. The good thing about the smell is that it covers any other unpleasant smells in your car, like that skunk you ran over or that dead hooker in your trunk that you’ve been meaning to get rid of. Oil drilling provides thousands of jobs and inappropriate jokes. Furthermore, it is the sole saving grace of Texas. Most fossil fuels come from dead dinosaurs. I like to think that dinosaurs were magic, and you can’t really prove me wrong, so we’ll go ahead and assume they were. I imagine that they saw a future full of stretch hummers and decided it was worth dying for. Who are we to render their noble deaths useless?
Global warming isn’t a problem, it’s a solution. Rising water levels will only destroy those awful coastal areas and a few islands that will just pop back up in a few centuries. From polar bears to Superman, many threats infest those easy-to-melt polar ice caps. We all like melting ice cubes in the sink as kids, so let’s just do it in bigger scale. Fossil fuels, our great gift from the dinosaurs, are the ideal fuels. Knowing this, I urge you to do your part. If you don’t believe global warming is real, then carry on. You’re doing just fine. I’m more concerned about those who are trying to slow it down. They must go above and beyond to repair the damage they have done, from torching a rainforest or two to leaving the car running overnight. We all need to pitch in. We can have gasoline fights or fill up our pools with it for the best bonfires ever. Let’s kick global warming into overdrive and show nature who wears the pants made of endangered species in this relationship.
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