The TSA

            One of the biggest issues in politics today is the national deficit.  Everybody wants to reduce the deficit and many of the Republican candidates to do so by making more cuts than an emo kid.  I can’t really tell you what programs they wanted to cut because research is for pansies, but I’m pretty sure the Transportation Safety Administration wasn’t one of them.  Well, I think it should be.  When we are not allowed to take a snow globe on a plane, it’s time to get rid of the TSA...and wonder why the hell you would want to bring a snow globe on a plane.  We should get rid of it because it is unpleasant for everyone involved, its funding could be put to better use, and it will improve plane rides. 

            Whenever you start talking about airplanes, that one person you know invariably starts complaining about going through security.  This time, however, that person has some valid points.  First off, there’s always that one person who doesn’t seem to grasp the rule about three ounces of liquid, or occasionally that one person who tried to smuggle cocaine in their suitcase as opposed to the more traditional location.  If that isn’t enough, you are subjected to several invasive searches: luggage searches, pat downs, and what I call the James Bond machine.  The James Bond machine is that thing they use that can look through layers of clothes, much like the rather sketchy spy who can't be bothered with petty matters like saving the world when there are women to creep on.  This all sounds pretty awful.  As bad as it is for us, it’s even worse for the TSA agents.  It is statistically impossible for there not to be a dim-witted, obese, vaguely pedophilic looking man in every line at the airport.  First, they have to deal with that idiot who refuses to follow standards.  Then, some poor agent has to look in his luggage with an x-ray machine.  I don’t think anyone wants to know what’s in there, but that is this person’s job.  Afterward, another lucky person gets to see this guy with no clothes, and if they’re really lucky, somebody gets to second base with him.  Next time you think about complaining about, think about the people on the other side.  Not only does the TSA make things really uncomfortable, the money used to fund it could be better spent.  

            According to a Newsweek article I sort of remember, the government spends $8 billion on the TSA annually.  I think we should use that money to help improve airlines.  Think of all the awesome improvements you could make with $8 billion.  For starters, you could make the airplanes unstoppable juggernauts that can survive anything from flocks of seagulls to hurricanes to dragons.  This will eliminate most delays and more importantly, the person complaining the whole time about the delays, who at this point I’m pretty sure is talking crap on the airplane in order to lure it to the airport, will finally shut the hell up.  The alternative is buying orphans on the black market to sacrifice to Satan for clear weather, but trust me, that method is hit and miss at best.  They could also make airplane bathrooms bigger.  I still don’t understand how people join the Mile High Club considering the bathroom isn’t even big enough to be used for its intended purpose.  Another idea would be to hire James Earl Jones for the part where they tell you to put on a seatbelt.  I’d be more inclined to listen about safety measures from Darth Vader than from some random flight attendant.  If that weren’t reason enough, cutting the TSA will also make plane rides awesome.  

            Safety standards and improved technology have made modern plane rides really boring.  Seriously, the most exiting part of the trip is deciding which kind of juice you would like.  I say that eliminating the TSA will bring back some of the excitement.  Who hasn’t wanted to play Russian Roulette on an airplane before?  You could play “Count the Racists” by seeing who is nervously glancing at the Middle Eastern passenger.  Another fun game would be “What’s that Bulge?”  Sadly, that is a game that everybody loses.  It would also help curb annoying people.  Children might not be so quick to kick the back of somebody’s seat if that somebody was heavily armed.  All of the olderm men in straw cowboy hats who spontaneously appear and then talk through every flight leaving after 10:00 p.m. would be silent because the rest of us would be able to follow through on the homicidal rages they incite.  The best thing is that the plane rides will be just as safe.  Sure, a terrorist could bring a gun plane.  Well, guess what? At least six people who want to live probably will too, not to mention the people who will probably be carrying knives and that one weirdo with the ponytail and the ninja sword.  

            In conclusion, the TSA sucks.  Invasive security checks inconvenience passengers and cause untold mental scarring to TSA agents.  The money used to fund the TSA could make flying a much more enjoyable experience.  It would bring back some of the old excitement that was formerly caused by the legitimate fear of dying.  What it all comes down to is that what I bring on an airplane, be it weapons, drugs, endangered animals, or snow globes, is my business and nobody else’s.