What I've Learned From Nursery Rhymes

There was an Old Lady
If you have a small problem, like swallowing a  fly, you should use increasing temporary and expensive solutions until you die and it becomes somebody else’s problem.
Baa, Baa, Black Sheep

You should give gifts that you naturally produce.  The best gifts come from the heart, or whatever organ or gland secretes what you plan on giving.

Ring Around the Rosie

The horrible plagues from a few centuries ago are great to write children’s songs about.  I can’t wait to see what they come up with for AIDS. 

Three Blind Mice

If handicapped people follow you, maim them further.  That should teach them. 

Jack and Jill

If you fracture your skull, just walk it off.  You’ll be fine. 

Itsy, Bitsy Spider

If a freak storm that borders on divine intervention prevents you from doing something, go ahead and try it again.   

Mary Had a Little Lamb

If you kick someone out of a school that shouldn’t be there, they’re just going to wait across the street. 

Pat a Cake

Workers in the food service industry appreciate when you tell them to hurry up and then explain in great detail how to make the food.

Three Little Kittens

As a general rule, family moments should always end with implications of an impending murder.

Little Bo Peep

Seemingly ritualistic removal of tails from living sheep is not something you should be concerned about.

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

If your wife tries to leave you, your best option is to keep her imprisoned. 

London Bridges

There is no engineering problem that can’t be solved by smoking. 

Humpty Dumpty

Apparently horses are good at puzzles.  

Rock-a-Bye Baby

When you want a baby to sleep, you should sing to it about another baby that will shortly die, further proving that babies are really sociopaths. 

Hey Diddle Diddle

I don’t know what the dish and the spoon do exactly, but it has officially ruined cereal for me.  I mean, look at the title.