Cryogenic Freezing
Pro: Most likely to succeed; Like a really long nap; Can
make Futurama joke when you come out; Possibility of sharing space with Walt Disney's head
Con: Power outages; Freezer burn; Possibility of having to share space with some frozen peas
Eating Unicorn Feces
Pro: Will always be happy; Can finally make unicorn-skin
jacket; May be killing the cast of My Little Pony
Con: Involves finding unicorn; Dysentery; Glitter will play
hell on digestive system; Tastes like…well, you get the idea
Eating Lots Of Fruit
Cups
Pro: Preservatives will provide eternal youth; Tastes
slightly better than unicorn feces
Con: All tastes the same; Bodily fluids will be replaced
with corn syrup
Joining A Cult
Pro: Get to ride to Heaven in a rocket; Free Kool-Aid
Con: Kool-Aid will taste funny; Might get sacrificed;
Required robe not very flattering
Becoming A Dark Wizard
Pro: Minions; Being able to do whatever you want; All the cackling you could possibly want
Con: Will become really pale; Being repeatedly beaten by a
lazy teenager
Vampirism
Pro: Comes with castle in the Balkans; Wearing a cape
becomes socially acceptable
Con: Becoming hated and feared creature of the night; Most Italian food now lethal
Cloning Self For
Organs
Pro: Does not involve becoming evil; Can have the best
friend ever
Con: Obvious ethical issues; Possibility of evil clone; Will
probably result in crappy science fiction movie
Zombification
Pro: Immunity to pain; Always having friends; Possible career as Michael Jackson backup dancer
Con: Noticeable decrease in hygiene; Limited vocabulary; Not really
immortality because a rugged, square-jawed protagonist is almost certainly going to kill you
Selling Your Soul
Pro: Plenty of takers; Fun summoning rituals; Not like you
were using it anyway
Con: Will probably get tricked; Removing sheep blood form
carpet is a pain in the ass; Cthulu is usually pissy
Having Sex With A
Hippogryph
Pro: Using “riding a hippogryph” both ways; Having sex
Con: Getting introduced to the magical world of STDs; This
theory is largely based on guesswork
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