Pandas

            Pandas have become the accepted symbol for the preservation of wildlife.  You see them everywhere: t-shirts, book bags, totes, bumper stickers, and occasionally a bits and pieces on the black market.  They’re probably the most popular animal on the planet (It would be us, but Jeff is just insufferable).  Everybody thinks that they’re so great, but I’m here to tell you that they’re not.  We are sending the wrong message about pandas.  They should be disposed of, not kept alive.  This is because they threaten the international balance of power, they are terrible animals, and it would happen naturally.  

            China already has way too much power.  It is the most populous country in the world.  They have one of the few economies in the world that isn’t worse than Nicholas Cage’s acting career.  The U.S. owes China over $1.4 trillion, or roughly five billion times the value of Texas.  If all that isn’t enough, they get pandas.  A country having a panda is like a high school kid having a Ferrari.  No matter how lame you are, you can screw anyone you want and totally get away with it.  Can you imagine what some of the world’s lamer countries might do for a panda?  Rumor has it that China plans to acquire more nuclear weapons by exchanging a panda for some of North Korea’s.  It’s not fair to the rest of the world.  What has any other country got?  All the good animals like lions, elephants, giraffes, and Red Cross Workers are in Africa, but the civil wars make them impossible to get to.  We tried to compete by sending our national animal, Richard Nixon, to China.   Unfortunately, he was returned after he viciously mauled several Chinese government officials and gave them rabies.  If we eliminate pandas, we take away China’s most powerful diplomatic tool.  China’s influence is not the only issue.  We should also destroy pandas because they pretty much suck.  

            Pandas are lame.  There is simply no better way to say it.  There are so, so many better animals.  There are eagles, tigers, sharks, giraffes, polar bears.  That’s right; pandas aren’t even the coolest bear.  The few animals that they are better than are really lame, like American Idol judges.  Sure, the animals from that list are all terrifying killing-machines that slaughter with no remorse, but make no mistake, so are pandas.  They’re just either really lazy or extremely cunning.  Modern media has portrayed these awful creatures as cute and cuddly, like giant teddy bears.  Well, what happens when an eight-year-old decides to try hugging one?  If that kid gets within five feet of the panda, you might as well start brainstorming ideas for what you want to do with their soon-to-be unoccupied room.  There are not enough Tide To Go pens to fix what's about to happen.  We might as well end them, because it should have happened long ago.  

            Extinction is not a new thing in nature.  In fact, over 99% of species that have lived no longer exist.  Now, I can understand trying to save the animals we turned into dog food a few many times, but pandas are a completely different matter.  Those damn hippies can shut up about their endangerment being out fault; nature clearly wants them to die too.  Look at how amazingly killable these things are.  They’re fat, slow and somewhat dim-witted.  They’re the Kevin James of animals.  I think I could take one.  Right now, it’s like keeping an entire species on life support, and now it’s time to pull the plug.  Also, considering all humanity does, you’d think the pandas could put in a tiny bit of effort, but no.  Honestly, I think octogenarians have sex more often than pandas.  I’ll let you enjoy that image for a moment.  Panda sex is like meteor showers; it happens very infrequently and it’s not really that interesting to watch.  Lots of other animals like having sex.   As anyone who has gone to a zoo can tell you, that’s how monkeys spend most of their time.  Koalas seriously have a problem with Chlamydia.  It’s all D-bags with soul patches talk about.  The point is, the fact that pandas don’t want to have sex shows us that they have given up as a species.  Well, if they don’t care, why should we?

            If you haven’t figured out what the solution for this speech is going to be, you should probably go the way of the pandas.  What I suggest is that we just leave them be.  A nice combination of nature and industrialism were taking care of them quite adequately before anyone noticed.  It will take literally no effort.  

            Some people still think pandas should be saved.  To those people, I have a simple suggestion.  Go to a zoo and hug a panda.  Then, consider your position on this issue during your last few hellish seconds of life as the panda rips you open and begins snacking on your vital organs.  Sound like fun?  That’s what I thought.  

            We should just let the pandas die.  They give an already powerful China far too much power and forced us to put Nixon down.  Pandas only act cute so they can disembowel and eat children for amusement.  If not for us, other animals would have killed them long, long ago.  As a parting thought, imagine where the world would be without pandas?  Pretty much the same, isn’t it?