Government Regulation

            The Industrial Revolution was one of the greatest periods of history.  The American Dream was alive and well; all it took to make your fortune was hard work, perseverance, and expendable child workers.  There were only two social classes: those with top hats, and those without.  What’s more, people were just tougher.  It was only considered a bad cough if blood started coming up.  Forty hours a week was considered a part-time job.  When a child lost a limb to machinery, it was considered character building.  What, you might ask, brought this glorious age of capitalism crashing down? Well, I can certainly tell you.  It was government interference.  To return to this golden era, we must abolish federal agencies such as the FDA, the EPA, and the FEC. 

            When people buy gas, they usually go with the cheapest kind.  Sure, the premium is much better for your engine and will keep your car working a little longer,  but that extra twenty cents a gallon really starts to add up and in the end, it just isn’t worth it.  Well, people are the same way.  If there were cheaper food available, people would probably buy it, but no, the Food and Drug Administration has to step in.  They say that food producers can’t use certain ingredients because they cause minor inconveniences like blindness and paralysis.  I’m sorry, but if it’s good enough to go in fertilizer, it’s good enough for me.  The FDA also meddles in our drugs and has prevented millions of five-year-olds from obtaining pills that say they give you x-ray vision.  They say no to drugs that pretty much make us superhumans.  Those drugs may leave people empty mockeries of what they once were, buts as they say, the candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long.  Speaking of superhumans, how do many superheroes get their powers?  That’s right, morally ambiguous experiments involving dangerous chemicals.  Who’s stopping companies from using dangerous chemicals on people?  The FDA is actively preventing the creation of countless superheroes, including me.  The way I see it, you’ll either get powers or die a horrible death.  Since there are two options, it is a 50/50 chance, and that is a risk I am willing to take.  The FDA is far from the only villain, however; the EPA is just as bad. 

            You know those hippies that everyone hates who yell at you when you accidentally throw a plastic bottle in the normal trash?  Well, the Environmental Protection Agency is basically that, but with suits.  They get all worked up over the tiniest things.  When an oil tanker spills after it hits a rock, who gets blamed?  Despite the fact that the oil company is already losing thousands of gallons of precious petroleum to the cruel ocean, they have to pay millions of dollars in fines.  What’s next, fining a child if they drop their ice cream cone?  In this overregulated world, I just don’t know anymore.  If you ask me, nature is at fault here.  The boat hits a rock, which has no business being there.  Then, all the greedy little fish breath in the oil and the animals all absorb it in their fur to steal it.  Nature is just trying to steal our hard-earned oil, and the EPA plays right along.  Also, have you ever noticed that there wasn’t a problem until people started looking for one?  We used to chop down trees whenever we wanted because they were our trees and it was really fun.  Anything and everything was dumped into rivers and nobody cared about the fish because they’re fish.  The only effect smog had was getting rid of annoying things like seeing the sun.  You hear all these lame arguments about saving the Earth for our children’s children.  Guess what?  They don’t exist.  Should we avoid underground pipelines so Bugs Bunny doesn’t run into them?  Should we stop deforestation because we might destroy Woody Woodpecker’s habitat?  Of course not!  Then why should we inconvenience ourselves for the sake of purely hypothetical people who might never exist.  Government regulations threaten out elections as well. 

            One of the best things about the U.S. is that you can do anything with hard work and natural talent.  The Federal Election Commission is trying to change that.  We have all wanted to be the president at some point in our lives.  It used to be possible, but then the horrid monster of government regulation once again reared its ugly head.  Suddenly using skill you were born with, like being in a wealthy, influential family, were almost useless.  Having morals more flexible than Mr. Fantastic no longer helped.  No matter how hard you worked to cover up a crime or infidelity, it was still “wrong.”  The FEC, with its ridiculous laws against bribery, has prevented people who would have been perfectly acceptable candidates a hundred years ago from running for office.  It also stifles the voice of corporations in politics.  The job of corporations is to make money, right?  Well, how do you make money?  Make people happy.  They do it all the time, so they’re probably pretty good at it.  Once upon a time, people recognized this and let corporations donate as much money as they wanted to campaigns.  Now they can only give tiny amounts when they should, if anything, be given more control.  Who knows what’s better for you, a corporation that successfully manages thousands of stores all over the world or a person who can’t even manage their own life?  Who has your interests more at heart, a company that depends on you every day or a politician who only needs your vote every few years?  I think the answer is obvious.  Theses kind-hearted corporations are only trying to save us from ourselves, but the FEC says no. 

            The solution is really quite simple.  All we need to do is get rid of these wasteful programs.  It will only take a few brave politicians who are willing to stand up for what is right and protect our right to occasionally lethal goods.  Quite frankly, we need the money.  As it turns out, invading and occupying Asian countries is a quite expensive.  Who knew?

            Some people, like the aforementioned hippies, want to keep these agencies.  They want to know what’s in their food and have cough syrup that doesn’t cause hives.  Well, enjoy your mercury-free fish while you can.  Just don’t come crying to me when a supervillain attacks and your medication doesn’t give you the ability to control fire.  If animals like living in forests and unpolluted water so much, why don’t they do anything about it?  You can bet if an elephant knocked down someone’s house we wound murder it and then make little statues out of its tusks for good measure.  They’re perfectly welcome to try; we can never have too many zoos.  It is widely believed that allowing unregulated donations to campaigns will put unqualified people in office.  If these other people are so qualified, why can’t they find corporate sponsors? 

            In conclusion, government regulation is preventing a utopian society.  The FDA makes food more expensive and robs us of potential superhuman powers.  The EPA gets all worked up over tiny problems that supposedly worsen a larger problem that isn’t really there.  The FEC robs people of their dreams of political success and prevents corporations from guiding us to a better tomorrow.  For the sake of yourself and the whole country, help bring down these nitpicking, counterproductive organizations.