Transatlantic Railroad

            The Transcontinental Railroad changed the country.  Trade between states grew like it had been given Viagra.  People on the East Coast could get beef more readily, making it easier to identify and belittle vegans.  Most importantly, it distracted from the fact that Grant's presidency was a little to close to a sitcom for comfort.  With all these improvements, it seems that we need another railroad like this: a Transatlantic Railroad.

            One reason we should build this railroad is that trains are awesome.  They are way cooler than airplanes.  Have you ever been on a murder mystery airplane?  That would suck.  There isn’t enough room for two people to walk down the aisle, much less murder someone.  Another advantage that trains have is accessible roofs.  Let’s face it, fighting on top of trains is something everyone wants to do.  While fighting on top of a plane would be beyond amazing, it is next to impossible to actually pull off.  Lastly, trains often go through tunnels.  I think you know where I’m going with this.  Do planes go through tunnels?  Only on Star Fox.  This train would be both awesome and safe.  

            Other than trains, the only viable ways to cross an ocean are boats and planes.  Neither of these are as safe as a train.  We’ll start with boats.  Obviously, boats can spring leaks and sink.  This would never happen to a train.  More importantly, boats cannot reach the speed necessary to outrun the vicious narwhals that roam the Atlantic.  The threat of pirates is also reduced because, to my knowledge, trains can be armed without any legal problems.  Now we’ll cover the much more popular and dangerous form of travel.  Airplanes, when you think about it, are completely insane.  You are flying at high speeds thousand of feet in the air in a metal tube next to a reserve of highly explosive fuel.  The sinks are designed so you cannot both run water and hold your hands under said water.  Of course, if you by some miracle survive the fiery hell that is a crash landing, you’ll have a floating cushion to keep you alive.  On top of this, they are run by airlines that find it acceptable to charge $6 for beer.  What part of that sounds like a good idea?  Building this train is about more than being safe; it’s a statement.

            All these people won’t shut up about how great smart dolphins are.  These aquatic jerks are always doing their stupid little smirk and squeaking insults at you.  They try to race boats to upstage us.  Well, I for one have had enough.  We need to remind them that land mammals are way cooler than water mammals, because I guess the oil spills aren’t getting the point across.  What better way to do this than to build a massive railroad right across the ocean?  While it may only inconvenience the whales, who are almost as bad, that’s not the point.  We will make something that should not ever be there naturally.  What have the dolphins, done as a whole, with their lives?  Swim around with and occasionally try to have sex with people in little tanks.  They think they’re so cool, but we’ve go opposable thumbs, so suck it, dolphins.  

            This project may be a bit out of the U.S.'s price range, but there is a solution to that: Canada and Poland.  Canada will provide all the funding and resources.  Everyone knows that Canadians are far too polite to refuse anything.  I mean, the harshest legal punishment they have is a sternly worded reprimand.  We can just “borrow” the money and never pay them back.  Of course, this will require labor, which is where Poland comes in.  They will provide this in the form of prisoners of war.  You see, Poland has no natural defenses, so they can be conquered by a strong breeze.  When France sent an ambassador, Poland surrendered unconditionally.  They were once in the iron grip of a tumble weed that ruled for two weeks before it blew out of the country.  According to the CIA Factbook, their main import is enemy forces.  Poland’s national flag is white.  It’s not because they always surrender; they keep on trying to sow a design on, but they always get invaded halfway through.  The Polish government has constructed their own prison camps so the post office knows where to send all the mail.  I think you get the point.  As nobody cares when Poland is invaded, this plan will go off without a hitch.  

            The only argument I can think of is that we should built a Transpacific Railroad instead.  There are several reasons this is a bad idea.  Firstly, I am a bit suspicious of Pacific islands after Project Manhattan.  Who knows if we’re going to wake up some terrible giant lizard or moth or something.  Also, it would probably end up in Eastern Russia.  This is where they used to send dissidents to die.  Not exactly the nicest place.  Finally, after that nasty business with the Transcontinental Railroad, I don’t think it would be very appropriate to ask China for help on this one.  

            A Transatlantic railroad would solve all sorts of problems and help the economy, but who really cares about that?  What matters is that trains are both more awesome and safer than airplanes.  Furthermore, we need to show those obnoxious porpoises that we are, always have been, and always will be better than them.  There’s not reason to wait; let’s start mooching off Canada and enslaving the Polish right now!