A few of Canada’s
French friends ask if they can stay with Canada
for a few days until they find a place to live.
Canada
agrees and the province of Quebec
is born.
March 18, 1770
Frustrated by Britain’s
unjust tax system, Canada
sends King George III a list entitled
“Things We’d Love For You To Stop Doing, But Only If It Doesn’t Inconvenience
You.” The King promptly replied, “What’s
a Canada?”
December 1775
The United States
invades Canada.* However, many soldiers return home with the mistaken belief that it had already been conquered.
June 18, 179
Inspired by the French and American Revolutions, several
influential Canadians sever diplomatic ties with Britain
with the Declaration of It’s Not You, It's Me.
October 12, 1797
Canada’s
only duel to date takes place. Winner
John Fredrickson reportedly manages to apologize in under a tenth
of a second.
February 6, 1859
The Canadian Civil War finally ends after years of
hostilities when both sides figure out how to surrender at the same time by
signing the Treaty of Everybody Wins.
March 30, 1867
United States Secretary of State William Seward purchases Alaska
from Russia.* What Seward did not know
is that the land he had bought was actually part of Canada. Canada
has been meaning to say something about this, but the right time has never come
up.
November 16, 1893
Greenland cleverly avoids a Canadian
invasion by claiming that it was a bad time and requesting the Canadian army
come back in a few centuries.
April 21, 1918
Canadian Captain Arthur Brown kills the Red Baron.* Ironically, this was the tragic result of
Brown trying to attract the Baron’s attention to apologize for cutting him off
earlier.
April 1, 1924
The Royal Canadian Airforce is formed.* This is widely considered to be Canada’s
first joke.
May 1930
Canada’s
major cities fall under the influence of the Canadian Mafia, which consists of
a particularly tough-looking 12-year-old armed with a slingshot.
September 7, 1939
The Canadian Parliament declares war on Germany.* Canada
plans to aid the Allies with strategic deployments of strongly-worded
reprimands and snide comments.
June 23, 1956
Due to an increase in crime, Canadian police are authorized
to sternly wag their fingers at violent criminals. The Canadian
branch of Amnesty International held several protests to fight the severity of
this action.
February 15, 1965
The Canadian flag is officially released.* Both maple leaf enthusiasts rejoice.
May 8, 1973
In an attempt to keep up with the United
States and Soviet Union
in the Arms Race, Canada
acquires a number of bottle rockets. They also
attempt to reach the moon by catching it in a pool net.
December 12, 1971
Canada
is devastated by it's first act of domestic terrorism, cow tipping.
April 3, 1978
Canada’s
most significant military victory occurs when a family of Canadian tourists
accidentally conquers Poland.
January, 1983
Maple syrup production in Canada
slows to a crawl. The price of real
maple syrup skyrockets, mildly inconveniencing about seven people outside of Canada.
February 1, 1985
After hearing about the verdict of a United
States trial, Canadian citizens begin
protesting the harshness of American punishments. The protests cease when someone explains that
“a slap on the wrist” is a figure of speech.
March 20, 1991
A rouge Canadian government agency called Weapon X is
revealed by Marvel Comics.* The Canadian
government immediately apologizes and promises to conduct a full
investigation.
June 1991
Canada
joins NAFTA.* Many Americans learn that
it is not, in fact, a very large, cold state.
September 3, 1992
All of Canada’s
air defenses are obliterated when a careless guard smokes too close to the
country’s stockpile of five Roman Candles.
October 30, 1995
A nation-wide vote narrowly prevents Quebec
from becoming independent.* Exit polls
revealed that most Canadians voted against the split out of sheer spite.
March 1996
When experimenting with biological warfare, Canada
accidentally releases the virulent plague known as Nickelback on an
unsuspecting world. It survives by producing a single good song every decade.
January 8, 1998
The Canadian government reforms the rules for the brutal
sport of hockey after several players forget to apologize after scoring.
April 1, 1998
Terrance and Phillip appear for the first time on the TV
show South Park.* This marks the first time Canada
is culturally relevant.
February 16, 2000
Germany
officially apologizes for the Holocaust.*
So does Canada. When asked why, the Canadian Prime Minister
said, “I’m sorry, what were we apologizing about again?”
April 11, 2000
Canada’s
nation-wide hunger strike to protest genocide in Africa
ends after thousands of deaths and the realization that they forgot to tell
anyone.
August 10, 2003
The Canadian punishment for bragging is reduced from execution to life in prison.
July 26, 200I
Canada
changes its national sport from lacrosse to hockey so they do not have to
correct people.
February 20, 2012
The Comprehensive
Guide to Canadian History is completed.*
This sweeping masterpiece covers 4 pages in Microsoft Word and literally anything of
interest that ever happened in Canada. It also marks the first time someone has ever
paid attention to Canada
for more than five minutes.
* means that the date and information up to this point are
factual.
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