Obscenities
have become more prevalent in today’s society.
You can see them anywhere from comment threads about “My Little Pony”
videos to the work of very bored Disney animators. Twelve-year-olds scream them on Xbox
Live. There’s a reason that these words
have become so common: profanities are awesome!
They can really help you express yourself in a meaningful way. However, curse words are spreading like an STD
at an orgy and there is no end in sight.
In a world where more and more of these words appear every day, we need
to find a way to pick which ones are the best.
Well, you’ve found that way. The
f-word is the best obscenity without a doubt.
This is because of its definition, it is the perfect intensity, and it
is the most versatile.
More often
than not, cuss words are just synonyms for other words. The s-word and lesser c-word are just other
words for feces for when you don’t want to sound like a scientist or a
six-year-old. The b-word and c-word are
similar with varying degrees of intentsity. While the b-word can have
an alternate definition, most do not.
Well, the f-word rises above this.
It has multiple definitions. You
can use it instead of saying you had sex with someone or you can talk about how
you screwed them over. It is very
important, however, not to confuse the two, or talking about how the people who
make Pokemon games ripping off grade-schooler can rapidly become slander. That’s already one more definition that most
swear words. What about if you want to
talk about how messed up something is?
That makes three. It can act as
an intensifier, bringing the count up to four.
Can you think of any other word, much less curse word, with that many
alternate definitions? Well, I put
almost thirty seconds of thought into it, and I can’t, so I must assume such a
word does not exist. The real beauty
comes from the definition of the f-word when used as a noun, such as not giving
one. What does it mean? I don't know, and therefore by extension neither do you. It quite literally defies definition. If the people who run dictionary.com were any
fun, you would see it as the last entry, explaining that nobody knows what it
means. How awesome is that? In addition to having a ridiculous amount of
definitions, the f-word is also the perfect intensity.
Have you
ever found yourself wanted to make a comment on a message board, but struggling
with the word choice. Struggle no
more. The f-word is like porridge and furniture stolen
from baby bears. It’s just right. When you use the f-word, people know you
aren’t messing around. You could use the
lesser c-word, but I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re not eight. If you still use the lesser c-word when
you’re really angry, you should probably be out trying to earn a merit badge
instead of reading this. The b-word is
okay, but it doesn’t quite have the same zing to it. Let’s be honest, it’s a pale imitation that will never measure
up, develop a crushing self-esteem problem, and OD in a cheap
motel…probably. The s-word is definitely
better than the b-word, but it somehow doesn’t fit quite right. On the other end of the spectrum, we have the
real c-word, and that just goes too far.
To me, it’s approaching racial slurs in level of offensiveness. I have said and written a lot of terrible, terrible things, but I have never used that.
You might think that, since it is more offensive than the f-word, it is
more effective as well. It is simply
not, because the c-word is sorely lacking in class. When I imagine the f-word as a person, it is
one of those rich snobs that wear op hats at all times. Its favorite hobbies
include yachting and raising it’s nose at the poor. It is the pistol of obscenities, only
offensive when aimed directly at you.
The c-word on the other hand, is like one of those “people” from New
Jersey. It
wears Ed Hardy and way too much hair gel.
It has the intelligence, inhibitions, and libido of a monkey. It drives a stretch hummer. It is the shrapnel grenade of swear words,
horribly crippling everything around it.
It’s a good thing that the f-word has such a perfect intensity, as it
can be used in almost any situation.
The f-word
is the veritable Swiss Army Knife of curse words. It can be used as five different parts of
speech, which is more than any other word that comes to mind. Now, all curse words can be used as nouns,
and most can be used as verbs. However,
that is about it. The f-word, on the
other hand, can be several. It can be
sued as a noun, as in “what the f?”
F-ing somebody over is using it as a verb, as is simply f-ing them. Saying “that is f-ing awesome” is using it as
an intensifying adjective, which is sort of like giving it Adderall. It can even be an adverb by asking somebody
why they would f-ing do something. Of
course, it can be used as an interjection all by itself. The only words that even come close are the
s-word and lesser c-word with three, but those, like mimes, don’t really
count for anything. Also, unlike most
curse words, it can be modified by adding different words and suffixes. You can add –er to make it refer to a
person. Additionally, it cane be
combined with words like dumb or head, making it like a Voltron of
offensiveness.
Of the many
curse words from which you can choose, the f-word is clearly the superior
choice. It has tons of definitions and
is even at times defies definition. When
using the f-word, you can show how serious you are while still being classy,
like Broadway or Mr. Peanut. Like duct
tape, the f-word can be used for anything.
Just remember, the next time somebody cuts you off, the next time you
need to express just how much a band sucks, the next time the room is
completely silent: the f-word is the best word.
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