Pros and Cons: Majoring in the Sciences

Pro: Rodents are just awful and giving them diseases is a very fulfilling career.
Con: Paperwork is just awful and is required to give rodents diseases.

Pro: You can be on that list of people the government saves from the Apocalypse.
Con: Chances are everyone else on the list sucks.

Pro: Surgery is the only way you can legally stab people.
Con: Strict "no snacks" policy in operating rooms.

Pro: Giant ants don't just create themselves, so you can make some.
Con: Giant ants will probably create themselves once you get them started.

Pro: You may be the one to cure cancer!
Con: You won't be.

Once You Go Greek, You Never Go Back

            A lot of people have become very dissatisfied with the Catholic Church lately, and who can blame them?  All we hear about anymore is how they hate gay people/condoms/anything fun and love certain other demographics, oftentimes a little too much.  Were it not for the free booze every week and the awesome hats, there probably wouldn’t be anyone left.  If you ask me, we need to return to the cradle of Western civilization where religion was not so bloated and corrupt.  We should all go back to worshiping the ancient Greek gods.  

Why You Should Grow a Beard

As you can probably tell from the title of the blog, I think beards are pretty damn awesome, so I decided to make a list of reasons for why you should grow a beard.

1. Beards are like the best pets ever
      Many people would like to have a pet, but either it's too much of a hassle, too expensive, or not allowed.  Well, a beard is an excellent, low-maintenance alternative.  Let's face it, the only real reason to have a cat or dog is to pet it.  Guess what else you can pet?  That's right, a beard.  Furthermore, you take your beard with you anywhere you happen to be.  If you want to pet something, your beard is right there.  I guess you could carry a kitten around with you or something, but what are the chances you won't accidentally go all Lenny on it?  Some people might say that beards don't have a personality like pets do.  I beg to differ; with enough LSD, anything is possible. 
      On the other hand, pets are kind of a pain in the ass.  Pets need to be fed every single day or they might start gnawing on you while you sleep.  You only have to feed a beard every once in a while.  Do you think your beard is ever going to pee on your couch?  If it does, you have much bigger problems than a pee stain on your couch.  Beards don't savagely maul children if you exclude the feral ones that live on the face of crazed hobos.  You never have to walk your beard, the only shots it needs can be found at liquor stores, it will never scratch or bite you, and it probably won't give you diseases, unlike those dirty soul patches.

Things To Do Before the Apocalypse

In honor of the Apocalypse that was supposed to have occurred yesterday, I decided to make a list of things you should do should the end of the world be at hand.

Show up Panda Express.  Serve sweet and sour panda.

Say yes to drugs, or at least to that sketchy looking guy on the street corner.

Stage live action Pokemon battles at your local zoo.  Give the animals stupid names like Rhinocerite.

Go to a karaoke bar.  It's not like your dignity was going to survive the Apocalypse anyway.

Make a hobo sign predicting the end of the world.  Scream "I told you" at everyone you see.

Roll around in some radioactive waste.  You might get superpowers to help you survive the destruction of the world...or cancer.  Probably cancer.

Scream at random cats.  You could now, it's just not socially acceptable. 

Pros and Cons: Pets

In General
Pro: Most animals are too stupid to recognize how horrible we are
Con: Small chance that it is really a Greek god trying to have sex with you

Dogs
Pro: Mystery-solving potential
Con: Pugs

Cats
Pro: Make brutal murder of small animals adorable
Con: Can give you the Black Plague

Fish
Pro: Show off carnival game prowess
Con: Fish-fighting rings not very lucrative

Snakes
Pro: Can now talk about choking your snake without sounding like a pervert
Con: Can't talk about choking your snake because that is animal abuse

Horses
Pro: Always a narwhal, a hacksaw, and some superglue away from unicorn
Con: Constant, looming threat of rape

Teacup Pigs
Pro: Light weight makes them convenient for jokes about pigs flying
Con: Produce very little bacon, as you will drunkenly discover

Pros and Cons: Being a History Major

In College

Pro: Relatively few other history majors, so you're interesting by default

Con: Several reasons for why there are relatively few history majors

Pro: Homework is almost entirely reading and papers; There will always be a source backing up your viewpoint

Con: Homework, while largely optional, makes you want to shoot yourself; That source will either be in a 100-year-old translation or ancient Greek

Pro: You get to feel superior to economic/business majors because they only understand value, not worth

Con: They get to feel superior to history majors when they get a job because history degrees are worthless

Pro: No matter how awesome your friends are, Roman history textbooks will always have better party stories than them

Con: No matter how depraved/dickish your friends are, Roman history textbooks will always have far worse stories than them

The Hamlet Song

I wrote this song after reading Hamlet in my English class and realized that Hamlet is a huge dick.  As it turns out, this is not acceptable to perform at a school event that is being filmed.

They say Hamlet was a tragic hero,

One flaw cause his downfall.

Considering the stuff he did,

That numbers kind of small.

It’s not so very sad

That in the end he had to die.

He really had it coming,

And now I’m going to tell you why.

Hamlet told the actors

How they should play their parts,

Then he claimed a lack of talent

In the dramatic arts.

He’s sincere is what he says

To Horatio, you see

He does not want to flatter

Those who live in poverty

Why must he be such a giant prick?

Just reading about him makes me feel sick.

Puts a bad taste in your mouth you cannot rinse

There’s something rotten in the state of Denmark; It’s the prince.

What I've Learned From Nursery Rhymes

There was an Old Lady
If you have a small problem, like swallowing a  fly, you should use increasing temporary and expensive solutions until you die and it becomes somebody else’s problem.
Baa, Baa, Black Sheep

You should give gifts that you naturally produce.  The best gifts come from the heart, or whatever organ or gland secretes what you plan on giving.

Ring Around the Rosie

The horrible plagues from a few centuries ago are great to write children’s songs about.  I can’t wait to see what they come up with for AIDS. 

Three Blind Mice

If handicapped people follow you, maim them further.  That should teach them. 

Jack and Jill

If you fracture your skull, just walk it off.  You’ll be fine. 

How I Feel About Profanity

            Obscenities have become more prevalent in today’s society.  You can see them anywhere from comment threads about “My Little Pony” videos to the work of very bored Disney animators.  Twelve-year-olds scream them on Xbox Live.  There’s a reason that these words have become so common: profanities are awesome!  They can really help you express yourself in a meaningful way.  However, curse words are spreading like an STD at an orgy and there is no end in sight.  In a world where more and more of these words appear every day, we need to find a way to pick which ones are the best.  Well, you’ve found that way.  The f-word is the best obscenity without a doubt.  This is because of its definition, it is the perfect intensity, and it is the most versatile. 

The Comprehensive Guide to Canadian History

May 23, 1608

A few of Canada’s French friends ask if they can stay with Canada for a few days until they find a place to live.  Canada agrees and the province of Quebec is born. 

March 18, 1770

Frustrated by Britain’s unjust tax system, Canada sends King George III a list entitled “Things We’d Love For You To Stop Doing, But Only If It Doesn’t Inconvenience You.”  The King promptly replied, “What’s a Canada?”

December 1775

The United States invades Canada.* However, many soldiers return home with the mistaken belief that it had already been conquered.

June 18, 179

Inspired by the French and American Revolutions, several influential Canadians sever diplomatic ties with Britain with the Declaration of It’s Not You, It's Me. 

October 12, 1797

Canada’s only duel to date takes place.  Winner John Fredrickson reportedly manages to apologize in under a tenth of a second. 

February 6, 1859

The Canadian Civil War finally ends after years of hostilities when both sides figure out how to surrender at the same time by signing the Treaty of Everybody Wins.