Why You Should Grow a Beard

As you can probably tell from the title of the blog, I think beards are pretty damn awesome, so I decided to make a list of reasons for why you should grow a beard.

1. Beards are like the best pets ever
      Many people would like to have a pet, but either it's too much of a hassle, too expensive, or not allowed.  Well, a beard is an excellent, low-maintenance alternative.  Let's face it, the only real reason to have a cat or dog is to pet it.  Guess what else you can pet?  That's right, a beard.  Furthermore, you take your beard with you anywhere you happen to be.  If you want to pet something, your beard is right there.  I guess you could carry a kitten around with you or something, but what are the chances you won't accidentally go all Lenny on it?  Some people might say that beards don't have a personality like pets do.  I beg to differ; with enough LSD, anything is possible. 
      On the other hand, pets are kind of a pain in the ass.  Pets need to be fed every single day or they might start gnawing on you while you sleep.  You only have to feed a beard every once in a while.  Do you think your beard is ever going to pee on your couch?  If it does, you have much bigger problems than a pee stain on your couch.  Beards don't savagely maul children if you exclude the feral ones that live on the face of crazed hobos.  You never have to walk your beard, the only shots it needs can be found at liquor stores, it will never scratch or bite you, and it probably won't give you diseases, unlike those dirty soul patches.

2. Beards make you seem smart
      Having a beard is the greatest thing ever for conversations.  You can say anything you want, and people will usually believe you.  In fact, a psychology study showed that people are 83% more likely to believe something if they learn it from a person with a beard.  As many of you have probably figured out, that figure is completely made up, but it sounds kind of believable, doesn't it?  In all seriousness, though, beards are great for arguments.  That is actually where the blog title came from.  If I don't have any idea what to say during an argument, I just simply state that I have a beard, and that actually works once in a while.
      People also listen to you more when you have a beard because it actually makes you smarter.  Let's look at some examples.  Before growing a beard, Abraham Lincoln was a lawyer.  As we all know, lawyers are universally despised right up until you actually need them.  When he grew a beard, he was the president of the United States.  Some goats have beards, and they seem to be pretty smart.  What do goats honestly produce except for cheese?  The only ones I've seen are show animals.  These crafty bastards get fed and housed in exchange for occasionally showing off for a few judges.  Lesser animals like horses have to do actual work like pulling plows and occasionally say mean things to Wilbur. 

3. Beards help you in conversations
      Have you ever been to the Carpathian mountains?  Fought a wolf off with your bare hands?  Well, now you have, as far as everyone else is concerned.  Beards must be the ultimate survivalist tool, because all survivalists who wouldn't actually die have them.  Therefore, you must be a survivalist if you have a beard.  It's sort of like the mustache/pedophile rule.  Instead of boring people with stories from your actual life, you can amaze them with your breathtaking exploits and triumphs over nature.  When you tell a girl you're trying to impress that you punched a mountain lion to save a baby deer, it seems a lot more believable and a lot less desperate.  You basically become Bear Grylls minus the infatuation with drinking your own piss and the pretentious "y" in your name.
      If you are stereotypical white person such as myself, you are super awkward, and not in a good way.  Beards allow you to be a little less awkward.  There aren't a lot of things you can do with your hands during a conversation that won't get you a restraining order.  If you grow a beard, you can stroke it.  It makes you seem like a more thoughtful person and makes it a lot less obvious that you're thinking about Pokemon when the person next to you is talking about their own boring life.  Now that you have a beard, you don't have to tolerate stupid crap like that, because you have a goddamn beard.