For those who think that it's never too early for sex ed

This is a song for children about the perils of unprotected sex.  It's like a really disturbing If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.

If you sleep with a cheap whore, you’ll get the clap. 

If you sleep with a cheap whore, you’ll get the clap. 

If you sleep with a cheap whore, you should have spent some more.

If you sleep with a cheap whore, you’ll get the clap. 

If you don’t use protection, you’ll be a dad.

If you don’t use protection, you’ll be a dad.

If you don’t use protection, you are thinking with your erection. 

If you don’t use protection, you’ll be a dad.

If you don’t pay child support, you’ll go to jail.

If you don’t pay child support, you’ll go to jail.

If you don’t pay child support, you’ll end up back in court.

If you don’t pay child support, you’ll go to jail.

If you get sent to jail, you’ll be someone’s bitch. 

If you get sent to jail, you’ll be someone’s bitch. 

If you get sent to jail, no one’s going to pay your bail.

If you get sent to jail, you’ll be someone’s bitch.


Don't end up as someone's prison bitch.  Use a condom.  

Transatlantic Railroad

            The Transcontinental Railroad changed the country.  Trade between states grew like it had been given Viagra.  People on the East Coast could get beef more readily, making it easier to identify and belittle vegans.  Most importantly, it distracted from the fact that Grant's presidency was a little to close to a sitcom for comfort.  With all these improvements, it seems that we need another railroad like this: a Transatlantic Railroad.

            One reason we should build this railroad is that trains are awesome.  They are way cooler than airplanes.  Have you ever been on a murder mystery airplane?  That would suck.  There isn’t enough room for two people to walk down the aisle, much less murder someone.  Another advantage that trains have is accessible roofs.  Let’s face it, fighting on top of trains is something everyone wants to do.  While fighting on top of a plane would be beyond amazing, it is next to impossible to actually pull off.  Lastly, trains often go through tunnels.  I think you know where I’m going with this.  Do planes go through tunnels?  Only on Star Fox.  This train would be both awesome and safe.  

Pandas

            Pandas have become the accepted symbol for the preservation of wildlife.  You see them everywhere: t-shirts, book bags, totes, bumper stickers, and occasionally a bits and pieces on the black market.  They’re probably the most popular animal on the planet (It would be us, but Jeff is just insufferable).  Everybody thinks that they’re so great, but I’m here to tell you that they’re not.  We are sending the wrong message about pandas.  They should be disposed of, not kept alive.  This is because they threaten the international balance of power, they are terrible animals, and it would happen naturally.  

Reasons why I am scared of Russia (Updated 9/6)

Because this is the easiest article to write, I will be adding more reasons from time to time.  I'll put the date I updated it so you don't waste time rereading crappy jokes about Russia.  

Russians are composed entirely of steel and vodka.

There is no bottled water in Russia; no known substance can contain Russian water without being dissolved. 

Russians are so tough because the Russian terrain is actively trying to kill them. 

It is the only country with a superhero team.  When danger threatens, they call whoever isn’t doing anything at the moment. 

Russians love pranks.  IEDs are a national favorite. 

The TSA

            One of the biggest issues in politics today is the national deficit.  Everybody wants to reduce the deficit and many of the Republican candidates to do so by making more cuts than an emo kid.  I can’t really tell you what programs they wanted to cut because research is for pansies, but I’m pretty sure the Transportation Safety Administration wasn’t one of them.  Well, I think it should be.  When we are not allowed to take a snow globe on a plane, it’s time to get rid of the TSA...and wonder why the hell you would want to bring a snow globe on a plane.  We should get rid of it because it is unpleasant for everyone involved, its funding could be put to better use, and it will improve plane rides. 

Pros and Cons: Different paths to immortality

People have always tried to escape death, so I made a handy pro/con list to help you decide which method is right for you. 

Cryogenic Freezing

Pro: Most likely to succeed; Like a really long nap; Can make Futurama joke when you come out; Possibility of sharing space with Walt Disney's head

Con: Power outages; Freezer burn; Possibility of having to share space with some frozen peas

Eating Unicorn Feces

Pro: Will always be happy; Can finally make unicorn-skin jacket; May be killing the cast of My Little Pony

Con: Involves finding unicorn; Dysentery; Glitter will play hell on digestive system; Tastes like…well, you get the idea

Eating Lots Of Fruit Cups

Pro: Preservatives will provide eternal youth; Tastes slightly better than unicorn feces

Con: All tastes the same; Bodily fluids will be replaced with corn syrup

Ways you can tell you're in a 1st-world country

Food fights do not involve knives. 

You’re hit by hurricanes, not typhoons.

Describing your country’s government as a democracy involves no irony.

Dogs are considered fashion accessories, not possible meals.

The most prevalent crop is neither smoked nor injected.

You raise vegetables as a hobby. 

How I feel about global warming

            Two things are usually true of white people.  The first is that we really like killing things, whether we’re slaughtering natives, dumb-looking animals, natives, rainforests, other natives, occasionally each other, or 99.9% of all germs.  This explains our psychotic fascination with tricking fish into eating metal hooks.  The second is that once we realized that people who aren’t white are, in fact, people and that smallpox is not an appropriate welcome gift, we developed massive amounts of guilt.  We’ve really tried to make up for it; we have affirmative action, PETA, and several environmental protection programs.  Now, some people say these efforts are misguided, and in at least one case, those people are totally correct.  White people everywhere, excluding the South, are all very concerned about global warming because we killed lots of trees.  Well, we shouldn’t be trying to prevent global warming; we should be helping it along.  This is because we don’t really need coastal areas, the polar ice caps are just plain dangerous, and fossil fuels are awesome.