Obscenities
have become more prevalent in today’s society.
You can see them anywhere from comment threads about “My Little Pony”
videos to the work of very bored Disney animators. Twelve-year-olds scream them on Xbox
Live. There’s a reason that these words
have become so common: profanities are awesome!
They can really help you express yourself in a meaningful way. However, curse words are spreading like an STD
at an orgy and there is no end in sight.
In a world where more and more of these words appear every day, we need
to find a way to pick which ones are the best.
Well, you’ve found that way. The
f-word is the best obscenity without a doubt.
This is because of its definition, it is the perfect intensity, and it
is the most versatile.
The Comprehensive Guide to Canadian History
May 23, 1608
A few of Canada’s
French friends ask if they can stay with Canada
for a few days until they find a place to live.
Canada
agrees and the province of Quebec
is born.
March 18, 1770
Frustrated by Britain’s
unjust tax system, Canada
sends King George III a list entitled
“Things We’d Love For You To Stop Doing, But Only If It Doesn’t Inconvenience
You.” The King promptly replied, “What’s
a Canada?”
December 1775
The United States
invades Canada.* However, many soldiers return home with the mistaken belief that it had already been conquered.
June 18, 179
Inspired by the French and American Revolutions, several
influential Canadians sever diplomatic ties with Britain
with the Declaration of It’s Not You, It's Me.
October 12, 1797
Canada’s
only duel to date takes place. Winner
John Fredrickson reportedly manages to apologize in under a tenth
of a second.
February 6, 1859
The Canadian Civil War finally ends after years of
hostilities when both sides figure out how to surrender at the same time by
signing the Treaty of Everybody Wins.
Nerdy Pickup Lines
You must be a red mushroom, because you’re making me grow.
Let’s reenact the invasion of Poland. I’ll be Germany
and penetrate your borders…and then I’ll attack from behind as the Soviet
Union.
Want to play Spider-man?
I’ll shoot white, sticky stuff at you.
Let’s make music together and hope there aren’t any
accidentals.
I’ll rock your world 8-3.
I’m a water mage. Can
I make you wet?
Let’s play Mario. You
can be Yoshi and I’ll ride you.
Are you the Death Star, because I want to shoot proton
torpedoes into your exhaust vent.
You’re like frozen carbonite; you leave me speechless…and
really stiff.
I must be the Hero of Time, because I’m wielding a Master
Sword.
Government Regulation
The
Industrial Revolution was one of the greatest periods of history. The American Dream was alive and well; all it
took to make your fortune was hard work, perseverance, and expendable child
workers. There were only two social
classes: those with top hats, and those without. What’s more, people were just tougher. It was only considered a bad cough if blood
started coming up. Forty hours a week
was considered a part-time job. When a
child lost a limb to machinery, it was considered character building. What, you might ask, brought this glorious
age of capitalism crashing down? Well, I can certainly tell you. It was government interference. To return to this golden era, we must abolish
federal agencies such as the FDA, the EPA, and the FEC.
Why we should really save the trees
During
those stupid ice-breaker games that adults seem to think will solve all of the
world’s social problems, questions about a favorite something invariably come
up. It can be animal, color, food, or in some rare cases, sexual position. They never,
however, ask about favorite plants because nobody has one. Well, now you can. Today, I’m going to tell you how awesome
trees are and how much better they make our lives.
Trees
provide great warning signs. Let’s face
it, forests are scary. A good
three-fourths of all scary land animals live in forests. They can be anything from annoyances like
mosquitoes, ticks, and hippie communes, to legitimately dangerous, like bears,
spiders, and feral hobos. It's even worse if the forest is enchanted. Those ones are full of trolls and goblins and children who shove kindly old women into ovens. To fully
grasp how useful this warning is, think about other types of terrain. Have you ever heard of a dark, forbidding
plain? There may be scary animals there,
but at least you can see them coming, though it is beyond me why you would want
to watch animals having sex. As a
general rule, if there are a bunch of trees, say the hell away. In addition to warning us of danger, trees are one of our greatest
natural resources.
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