Pros and Cons: Being a History Major

In College

Pro: Relatively few other history majors, so you're interesting by default

Con: Several reasons for why there are relatively few history majors

Pro: Homework is almost entirely reading and papers; There will always be a source backing up your viewpoint

Con: Homework, while largely optional, makes you want to shoot yourself; That source will either be in a 100-year-old translation or ancient Greek

Pro: You get to feel superior to economic/business majors because they only understand value, not worth

Con: They get to feel superior to history majors when they get a job because history degrees are worthless

Pro: No matter how awesome your friends are, Roman history textbooks will always have better party stories than them

Con: No matter how depraved/dickish your friends are, Roman history textbooks will always have far worse stories than them

The Hamlet Song

I wrote this song after reading Hamlet in my English class and realized that Hamlet is a huge dick.  As it turns out, this is not acceptable to perform at a school event that is being filmed.

They say Hamlet was a tragic hero,

One flaw cause his downfall.

Considering the stuff he did,

That numbers kind of small.

It’s not so very sad

That in the end he had to die.

He really had it coming,

And now I’m going to tell you why.

Hamlet told the actors

How they should play their parts,

Then he claimed a lack of talent

In the dramatic arts.

He’s sincere is what he says

To Horatio, you see

He does not want to flatter

Those who live in poverty

Why must he be such a giant prick?

Just reading about him makes me feel sick.

Puts a bad taste in your mouth you cannot rinse

There’s something rotten in the state of Denmark; It’s the prince.

What I've Learned From Nursery Rhymes

There was an Old Lady
If you have a small problem, like swallowing a  fly, you should use increasing temporary and expensive solutions until you die and it becomes somebody else’s problem.
Baa, Baa, Black Sheep

You should give gifts that you naturally produce.  The best gifts come from the heart, or whatever organ or gland secretes what you plan on giving.

Ring Around the Rosie

The horrible plagues from a few centuries ago are great to write children’s songs about.  I can’t wait to see what they come up with for AIDS. 

Three Blind Mice

If handicapped people follow you, maim them further.  That should teach them. 

Jack and Jill

If you fracture your skull, just walk it off.  You’ll be fine.